A Guide to the Theater

The Director Is faster than a speeding bullet is more powerful than a locomotive able to leap tall building in a single bound Speaks directly to God
The Producer Wants a receipt for all bullets used Needs a report submitted on train speeds Is not sure if the insurance covers "house jumping" Leaves messages for God
The Musical Director Is faster than the actors, but slower than the orchestra More powerful than a diva's ego Leaps musical bridges with a single cut Takes cues from God
The Technical Director Knows how much ¼" luan is needed to stop a speeding bullet Can simulate a locomotive using bailing wire and a bag of kitty litter Will have the orthographic projections for the building...tomorrow Is the technical advisor to God
The Choreographer Is faster than an actor's attention span More powerful than an interpretive dance about locomotives Leaps small stages with a single jette Uses God to inflict fear on the dancers
The Technicians Move faster with a Coors Silver Bullet Blackout city blocks while rewiring model trains Work in parts of the building even the rats don't know about Are the servants of God on stage
The Actors Are not issued ammunition Cannot cross railroad tracks without blocking Get lost in revolving doors Live in fear of God
The Stage Manager Do not need any bullets Can make a freight train take a dirt road Picks up buildings and walks under them. Is God  

 (The above was obviously written by a Stage Manager because any good Technical Director will prove to you that they are God!)

How Many People Does It Take To Change a Light bulb?  

Total People 10 Total Time 90.6 person/minutes

COLLEGE STUDENT LIGHT BULB JOKES

How many Princeton students does it take to change a light bulb? Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

How many Brown students does it take to change a light bulb? Eleven--one to change the light bulb and ten to share the experience.

How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a light bulb? None--Hanover doesn't have electricity.

How many Cornell students does it take to change a light bulb? Two--one to change the light bulb and one to crack under the pressure.

How many Penn students does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he gets six credits for it.

How many Columbia students does it take to change a light bulb? Seventy-six--one to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the light bulb's right not to change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.

How many Yale students does it take to change a light bulb? None--New Haven looks better in the dark.

How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb? One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

How many MIT students does it take to change a light bulb? Five--one to design a nuclear-powered bulb that never needs hanging one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.

How many Vassar students does it take to change a light bulb? Eleven--one to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation.

How many Middlebury students does it take to change a light bulb? Five--one to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

How many Stanford students does it take to change a light bulb? One, dude.

How many Oberlin students does it take to change a light bulb? Three--one to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.

How many Georgetown students does it take to change a light bulb? Four--one to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at American U. students.

How many Duke students does it take to change a light bulb? A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket.

How many Holy Cross students does it take to change a light bulb? Two--one to screw it in, and one to pray to God it works.

How many Williams students does it take to change a light bulb? The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's nothing else to do.

How many Tufts students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two--one to change the bulb and one to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student.

How many Sarah Lawrence students does it take to change a lightbulb? Five--one to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it.

How many Swarthmore students does it take to change a lightbulb? Eight--It's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress.

How many Mount Holyoke students does it take to change a light bulb? One--she calls a Smithie to do it

How many Boston University students does it take to change a light bulb? Four--one to change the bulb and two to check his math homework.

How many Amherst students does it take to change a light bulb? Thirteen--one to change the bulb and an a capella group to immortalize the event in song.

How many Wesleyan students does it take to change a light bulb? Wesleyan's boycotting GE--you know, military-industrial complex and all that.

How many Connecticut College students does it take to change a light bulb? Two--one to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the light bulb wouldn't go out.

How many Bucknell students does it take to change a light bulb? One--but he'll only change it if he can put in a white-light bulb.

How many Bowdoin students does it take to change a light bulb? Three--one to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in.

How many Bard students does it take to change a lightbulb? One--but she'll only do it if it's an alternative light bulb.

How many Boston College students does it take to change a light bulb? Seven--One to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.

How many Reed students does it take to change a light bulb? One--and she doesn't even need a ladder because she has platform Birkenstocks.

Remember also that as they depend on you, you exist only to aid them. Remember that thou art a team, for thou shall party together.

MEMORANDUM

To: All Employees
From: Management
Date: January 14, 1996
Re: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of "Special High Intensity Training" (SHIT).

We are trying to give employees more SHIT than anyone else.

If you feel you do not receive your share of SHIT on the job, please see your manager. You will immediately be placed at the top of the SHIT list, and our managers are especially skilled in seeing that you get all the SHIT you can handle.

Employees who do not take SHIT will be placed in "Departmental Employee Evaluation Program" (DEEP SHIT). Those who fail to take DEEP SHIT seriously will have to go to "Employee Attitude Training" EAT SHIT. Since our managers took SHIT before they were promoted, they do not have to take SHIT anymore, as they are full of SHIT already.

If you are full of SHIT, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our "Basic Understanding Lecture List" (BULL SHIT).

Those who are full of BULL SHIT will get the SHIT jobs, and can apply for promotion to "Director of Intensity Programming" (DIP SHIT).

If you have any further questions, please direct them to our "Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training" (HOT SHIT).

Thank you.

Boss In General Special High Intensity Training (BIG SHIT)

ACCIDENT INVESTGATION REPORT

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information: In block number three of the accident reporting form I put quote - poor planning - unquote as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a brick layer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley that fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number eleven of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground -- and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds. I refer you again to block number eleven. As you might imagine I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope...

Things that are just NEVER said in Theatre:

BY THE STAGE MANAGER:
... It looks as though there’ll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
... Take your time getting back from break.
... We’ve been ready for hours.
... No, I called that perfectly the first time - let’s move on.
... The headsets are working perfectly.
... The cue lights are working perfectly.
... The orchestra has no complaints.
... The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.
... That didn’t take long.
... No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE PRODUCER:
... Of course there’s enough money to go around.
... We have money left over.
... No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE DIRECTOR:
... Wow, the designers were right on, weren’t they?
... No, today is the tech rehearsal, we’ll re-work that scene later.
... I think the scene changes are too fast.
... Of course I think that we’ll be ready in time for opening.
... The crew? Why they’re just wonderful!
... No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE DESIGNERS:
... Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time.
... Yes, it absolutely is my fault that the set looks awful.
... You know, you might have a point there.
... The director knows best, obviously I wasn’t giving him what he wants.
... We have too many gel colors in stock, I can’t choose.
... Of course the shop will have the costumes ready on time.
... No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE TD:
... This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I’ve ever seen
... We built it right the first time.
... No problem, I’ll deal with that right away.
... I love designers.
... No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE ACTOR:
... Don’t... Let’s not talk about me.
... I really think my big scene should be cut.
... This costume is SO comfortable.
... I love my shoes.
... No problem. I can do that for myself.
... I have a fantastic agent.
... Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
... I’m sure someone told me there was a wall here, I just forgot.
... Without the crew the show would never run - let’s thank them.
... No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE STAGE CREW:
... That instrument is not in the way.
... There’s room for that over here.
... We’ll get in early tomorrow to do it.
... No, no. I’m sure that is our job.
... Anything I can do to help?
... All the tools are carefully locked away.
... Can we do that scene change again please?
... It’s a marvelous show.
... I don’t need this many on the crew.
... No thanks, I don’t drink.

Signs You’ve Been in the Theatre Too Much:

1. Your weekend consists of Monday, and only Monday.
2. “Q” is not just a letter.
3. National holidays that fall on Monday seem pointless to you.
4. You know more than one theory for the origin of the name “green room.”
5. You can only read from a light that is blue.
6. You consider the red part of the stoplight the “standby.”
7. You can’t remember what daylight looks like.
8. You feel naked without your keys attached to your belt loop, or your belt without your Maglite, Leatherman, and Gerber.
9. You know tie-line has several uses---shoelaces, belts, ponytail holders...
10. 95% of your wardrobe is black.
11. You watch the Super Bowl, waiting for intermission, not half-time.
12. You tell more stories of what went wrong on shows you’ve done than what went smoothly.
13. You start wondering what it feels like to be a prop.
14. You know anything can be fixed with gaff tape, Mortite, sculpt-er-coat, a sharpie, tie-line, and a safety pin.
15. Your diet consists of fast food or microwaved food.
16. Your Halloween costume in some way utilizes running blacks and gaff tape.
17. Varying your diet means ordering the #2 instead of the #3 or eating with your left hand instead of your right.
18. You understand the jokes in Forbidden Broadway.
19. You insist on spelling “theatre” with an “re” not an “er”.
20. People recognize you by the sound of your keys jingling down the hallway.
21. Going to a restaurant means ordering and sitting down in McDonald’s rather than the drive-thru.
22. You’d heard of Mandy Patinkin before he was on Chicago Hope.
23. “Practical” and “flat” are nouns.
24. Instead of saying that you’re leaving, you say you’re “exiting.”
25. At home, you “strike” your dishes to the kitchen.
26. If someone asks you what time it is, you respond with something like, “Half hour ‘til half hour.”

All information subject to change. Not liable for the information contained on any of these pages.
Copyright © 2011 DTF Productions    Last modified: November 06, 2011

¶