You know you work in non-profit theatre if...
..your living room sofa spends more time on stage than you do.
..you have your own secret family recipe for stage blood.
..you've ever appeared on stage wearing your own clothes.
..you've ever driven around the back of stores looking for discards that can
be used for set pieces.
..you can find a prop in the prop room that hasn't seen the light of day in
ten years, but you don't know where your own vacuum cleaner is.
..you have a Frequent Shopper Card at the Salvation Army.
..you've ever taken time off your job to work on the show.
..you've worked your vacation time to coincide with tech week.
..you've ever cleaned a tuxedo with a magic marker.
..you've ever appeared on stage in an outfit held together with hot glue.
..you've ever appeared in a show where tech week is devoted to getting the
running time under four and a half hours.
..you've ever appeared in a show where the cast out-numbered the audience.
..the audience recognizes you the minute you walk on stage because they saw
you taking out the trash before the show.
..you've ever menaced/threatend anyone with a gun held together with
electrical tape.
..you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing an evening
gown and heels.
..your kids know your rehearsal schedule better than you do.
..your kids know your lines better than you do.
..your kids deliver your lines better than you do.
..you've ever appeared in a show where an actor leaned out through a window
without opening it first.
..you actually know the difference between Good Shakespeare and BAD
Shakespeare, and have tried to explain the difference.
..you've ever heard the head of the set construction crew say "Just paint it
black -- no one will ever see it."
..you've appeared in a show featuring a flushing toilet sound effect.
..the set designer has ever told you not to walk on the left half of the
stage because the floor's still wet -- half an hour before curtain.
..if you have the deep need to forward this to more than 5 people who would
TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THIS.
Two stage managers, nearing the ends of their
careers, were discussing the likelihood of there
being some form of theatrical endeavor in the
hereafter. The first consulted a friendly medium.
Later, the following exchange took place between
the two stage managers:
SM1: "I have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that there is a wonderful
theater in heaven - well equipped, spacious,
plenty of wing space. In fact, there's a show
opening tomorrow night."
SM2: "That's wonderful! So what's the bad news?"
SM1: "You're calling the show."
An old stage manager arrived at the Pearly Gates.
As a reward for years of patience, discretion,
and endeavor, St. Peter granted him a single
wish.
"I've never seen a perfect blackout - can that be
arranged?" he asked.
St. Peter snapped his fingers, and the darkness
descended. There was not a hint of spill from
worklights or prompt corner. There was total
silence, not a whisper, not a footstep, not a pin
drop - just complete silence and total darkness.
It lasted 18 seconds.
When the lights came up again, St. Peter was gone
and the Pearly Gates had been struck.
Q: Why don't stage managers get breaks?
A: Because it's too hard to re-train them.
Q: How many pencils does a stage manager have?
A: One. He can draw another one out of his hair
if he loses it.
What's the difference between God and a director?
God never pretended to be a director.
What's the difference between an actor and a
mutual fund?
Mutual funds eventually mature and make money.
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: None. Complain to the director at notes.
Q: How many directors does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: None. Give a note to the stage manager to fix
it!
Q: How many stage managers does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: None. Pull the technical director off a set
installation to deal with it.
Q: How many technical directors does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None. Call the master electrician at home to
fix it.
Q: How many master electricians does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: We don't change bulbs, only halogen lamps.
It's a props problem.
Q: How many props masters does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: Light bulb?! When did they even get a lamp?
Q: How many theater critics does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: All of them - one to be highly critical of the
design elements, one to express contempt for the
glow of the lamp, one to lambast the
interpretation of wattage used, one to critique
the performance of the bulb itself, one to recall
superb light bulbs of past seasons and lament how
this one fails to measure up, and all to join in
the refrain, reflecting on how they could build a
better light bulb in their sleep.
Q: How many theater students does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Erm, what's the deadline? I may need an
extension.
Q: How many audience members does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to do it, one child to cry and
another to say, "ROSE, HE'S CHANGING THE LIGHT
BULB."
Q: How many interns does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, because you'll have to do
it again, anyway.
Q: How many directors does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 4... no, make that 3... on second thought 4...
well, better make it 5, just to be safe.
Q: How many assistant directors does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: One. But s/he has to check with the director
first to make sure he wants the bulb there.
Q: How many producers does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: None. Why do we need another light bulb?
Q: How many stage managers does it take to change
a light bulb?
A1: I DON'T CARE!!! JUST DO IT!!!
A2: None. Where's IATSE?
A3: It's on my list... it's on my list...
Q: How many IATSE guys does it take to change a
light bulb?
A1: One, once he puts down the donut and coffee.
A2: Twenty-five, and a minimum of four hours. You
got a @!%#& problem with that?
Q: How many electricians does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: LAMP! It's called a LAMP, you idiot!
Q: How many lighting designers does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None. Where's my assistant?
Q: How many technicians does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: Two, if they can find a lamp big enough and
figure out how to get inside it.
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light
bulb?
A1: None. "Doesn't the stage manager do that?"
A2: None. They can never find their light.
During a transatlantic flight, the Pope is busily
working on a crossword puzzle. However, he gets
stuck in the middle, so he turns to a
playwright sitting in the next seat and says,
"Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word
meaning 'woman' which ends in U-N-T?"
The playwright scratches his head, thinks for a
minute, and replies, "Aunt. A-U-N-T."
The pontiff looks embarrassed, and whispers,
"Got an eraser?"
STRESS REDUCTION TECHNIQUE FOR PLAYWRIGHTS:
Sit quietly and inhale deeply and slowly through
your nose. Exhale slowly. Picture yourself near a
stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp,
cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place. The soothing
sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You
breathe deeply.
You can easily make out the face of the person
whose head you're holding under the water. Look.
It's the person who caused you all this stress in
the first place. What a pleasant surprise. You
let them up ... just for a quick breath ... then
ploop! ... back under they go.
Allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
There now ... feeling better?
A renowned research institution undertakes to
document the spatial-cognitive processes of
intellectuals in various professions. They
recruit an architect, a surgeon, and a prop
manager. They construct three isolation booths,
completely sealed off from external interactions
or stimuli. They place one guy in each booth, and
give each one a set of three perfectly-matched
steel balls, each about three inches in diameter.
They seal the booths, and return in one week.
The architect has constructed a
geometrically-perfect pyramid with the balls,
yielding insights into stress dynamics and
materials tension. The surgeon has placed the
balls in a formation that hints at the nature of
the unexplored regions of the human gene, solving
some fundamental questions involving genetics and
DNA.
When the prop manager's booth is opened, the
interior is a shambles and there are no balls to
be found. Upon inquiry, the guy says, "Okay,
okay. I admit I DID lose the first ball. But I
SWEAR I don't know what happened to the second
one, and besides, you only gave me two balls to
begin with!"
Sid Caesar, holding up repaired pants:
"Euripides?"
"Eumenides?"
A playwright walks into a restaurant with his
dog. The manager says, "Excuse me, sir. You can't
come in here with that animal."
The writer replies, "But I'm blind, and he's my
seeing-eye dog!"
The manager is taken aback: "You have a
Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?!"
The playwright says, "I have a Chihuahua for a
seeing-eye dog?"
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